Confessions of a ‘Recovering Perfectionist’

My perfectionist-self finds comfort in order and makes little space for spontaneity. This is based on self-analysis and thankfully its something that is changing. As a ‘Recovering Perfectionist’, part of my remedy is confessing and asking God to heal and save me from this ‘condition’ especially when I get upset when someone (even myself) messes with my ‘perfectly-planned’ schedule or if my plans for my future do not turn out the way I want it to. I have a goal I am working towards. My aim in life is to seek to put Christ first in EVERYTHING and ANYTHING in my life (inspired by Matt 6:33(a)). Had to use the capitals to get the message across, in case you missed it. Letting go and trusting God is my word in season. As I told someone the other day, it is a sin not to trust God because it proves our lack of belief in Him.

Time is of the essence. Everything points to the second coming of Christ. But I must always remember that the way God does things is different from me and therefore I must align my will, emotion, heart and mind to His will for my life. I must do it everyday cause sometimes I can go pretty off tangent. I feel things must move at a certain pace (usually fast) when most times in the Kingdom of God, growth is slow. Notice how the bible uses the growth of a seed to a plant/tree as an analogy. That process is not overnight. A farmer plants the seed and waits. In that season of waiting, the farmer waters and cares for the plant in faith that the little seed will produce a beautiful plant that bears much fruit. During the growth, the plant needs to be pruned, trimmed and in some cases cut down, totally uprooted or it just dies. I’m sharing all these things cause even though I have known this, I need to be reminded not to go ahead of God but walk with Him through life. Trust Him as there is a time and season for everything. I’m learning not to take matters into my own hands. I find comfort in the scripture in Ecclesiastes.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-14

"There is a time for everything,

    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

    a time to be born and a time to die,

    a time to plant and a time to uproot,

    a time to kill and a time to heal,

    a time to tear down and a time to build,

    a time to weep and a time to laugh,

    a time to mourn and a time to dance,

    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

    a time to search and a time to give up,

    a time to keep and a time to throw away,

    a time to tear and a time to mend,

    a time to be silent and a time to speak,

    a time to love and a time to hate,

    a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear Him."

I will end this with the Word to minister to you. Prayer is essential as it moves the hand of God. As a recovering perfectionist, my advice to you is not to control everything in the known universe. Time is in His hands. Seek Him and let Him lead and guide you. All moves according to His time.

Shalini x

Confronting the lie: God won’t give you more than you can handle

     

“God never gives you more than you can handle”. I remember someone telling me that….heck, I have even used that!! It is not true though. If He allowed or gave me what I can handle, when will I not rely on self and rely totally on Him. The article below is so honest and true. How do you explain that to the little girl who is raped by the father she trusted, the citizens in war-torn countries that are not sure if they will live another day, the prisoner that was judged unfairly, etc. I pray this article by Nate Pyle blesses you.

Confronting the lie: God won’t give you more than you can handle

Me :)

My Gratitude List!!

With a tissue box as my best friend and pills as my hope for relief, I was stuck in bed two days before my birthday. It was between bed and school for most part of the week. Not the way I hoped to spend it but thankfully I felt much better on my birthday….not in the physical condition that I anticipated but guess what! It was one of the best birthdays I have ever had. Not just because I got really nice/special presents and delicious dinner with my amazing family but because there is such an excitement within me about the year ahead and enjoying the journey that I am on right now to getting there. I know this year will be better than any of the years before cause everything within me cries “No one could have done this work within me except Jesus!”. If I began listing all the things I am thankful and happy about on paper….you might just get bored but to me….its my testimony.

A brief list to my actual extensive list (like a macro to my micro list):

1. First and foremost, that I have grown in my love for and knowledge of Jesus. That I encountered Him in an amazing way in my despair.
2. My Father in Heaven has blessed me tremendously in ways I cannot express in words. There is a joy and peace within me that was never there before (my stubbornness to His will was the cause of the delay *yikes*).
3. He is more real and involved in my daily life than ever before. The best part is….the more involved He is….the more blessed I am personally, financially, professionally, etc. He is so interested in every detail that it boggles me just how interested He is in my life.
4. That I have a roof over my head (which is a beautiful house), clean water, good food and a healthy/functioning body.
5. The amazing inventions that make my life comfortable/ make things fast and easy such fans, air-conditioners (for really hot days), taps/shower (I do not need to get water from a well), the internet, my new iPhone (I love it!), my laptop, etc. Got to love these inventions!
6. My family that have always been my support system and so patient when I have not been the best person to be around.
7. My close friends that are grounded women and men with amazing hearts.
8. My job that gives me so much joy and tests my character every day! It shows me the kind of person I am and molds me to the person I want to be.
9. The gifts I have or have developed over time.
10. The person that I have become from the shy, awkward, geeky little girl that I was.

Sometimes things do not work out the way you want it to be. In my case, I prayed about the things I want in life. Jesus has been part of my decisions from a very young age. Many of the times, I do not get what I want. Honestly, I get a much better thing that I expected. Its ALWAYS been like that and I am soooooo grateful for that cause His ways have always been much, much better than mine. That’s why I ask for what I want and I trust God to either grant me my request or a much better thing. Sometimes that much better thing leads to hardship for a greater purpose….but I know He sees me through it all. He sees me through every season and I have no lack.

If life is empty for you or if it is not working for you, I want to introduce you to Jesus. Trust my Jesus and your life will be forever changed cause He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. All you need is a little faith. Nothing can be more right than allowing Him into your life. 

Your friendly blogger :)

Exciting times ahead :)

“Madam, you are getting old!” my beautiful bright-eyed 16 year old student said as a comment to yet another mistake I made as I scribbled the solution to a very long and tedious mathematics question on the board. It was just one of those day where I was so spaced out. A primary school student could have pointed out the mistakes I was making hence her smart-alec retort. And yes, my students call me ‘madam’ instead of ‘miss’. I’m young and single…of course I’m not thrilled about being called madam (haha!). Anyway, going back to my story. My student had this glee on her face obviously very pleased with herself. For a while I thought, ‘oh yikes, I’m getting older’….but the more I thought about questions like ‘am I doing what I like?’ and ‘what I’ve achieved to date?’, I actually felt good! This is new cause I’m usually quite critical of myself. It is definitely a positive sign for a ‘Recovering Perfectionist’ such as myself :). By the way, note how we have those reflective thoughts when its our birthday or the start of a new year. This birthday is different – I feel good, excited even.

This year for my birthday, I am doing something different. I started my own short fast for 7 days (7 as it biblically represents perfection) before my birthday. Fasts are never easy for me (for others too…but for different reasons) cause I have sudden cravings….and its random! Like a pregnant woman (laugh). Plus, due to health reasons I am not able to take a full fast. Due to the health reasons, I took a liquid fast. The reason I am saying this is because as I have been fasting I realise that it is no good if I fast without spending time with God. The point of the fast is to seek God as I celebrate my 28th year and move into the next. I do not want to fast for the sake of fasting but with the purpose of seeking and surrendering my life to God. To rely on Him as my source of strength and hear from Him. As much as fasting may categorise me as a ‘religious person’, I do not want to be a religious person but a person that is seeking a deeper relationship with my Saviour. I need Him. I’m nothing without Him. He makes me a better person. On my own….I’m full of sin. As I seek Him, He reveals the secret of my heart that He needs to 'renew and regenerate' (Titus 3:5). I’m sharing this because I know this fast has helped me and perhaps you might want to do the same for your birthday as a consecration.

I’m a list maker. This year my aim is to make Him my priority – in my personal life, family, job, etc. I do not know where this year will take me but its never been a bore with Him by my side. My soul soars as I look into this coming year and I am full of hope and faith.

‘The Recovering Perfectionist’

Choosing joy

The words that was once spoken over my life sometime back was that I would have “joy, joy more abundant”. Believe me, I am still praying for that to be a reality! Joy comes from knowing that God is always in control. I’m not sure about you but I think you can tell when people try/pretend  to be happy from those who have genuine joy. The reason I use ‘try’ or ‘pretend’ is because some try out of their own will to be happy to cover their unhappiness, some want to give people the idea that their lives are perfect (I guess it is so that people might want to be like them or it covers the emptiness they feel on the inside), while there are others who do it to please other people. I can relate to this cause I have tried to mask my insecurities and loneliness with a smile. But there was always a glimmer of sadness if you looked closer. It is probably why I can spot a person who battles this (most of the time). The lack of joy in my life stemmed from many deep rooted issues. It was like a spiral moving downwards. It was one of my toughest battles but through healing especially in the area of insecurity, I now know and experience the joy of the Lord. Christ helped (still helps) my overwhelmed heart by being my source of strength to overcome.

One of the things I was led to do in my healing in a particular season in my life was to study the word ‘joy’ using the Word of God. No resources other than the concordance. I spoke the Words I read from the Bible out loud. A few verses that will help you:

Phil 4:4 - Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!

(note: this is a choice)

1 Thes 5: 16 – Rejoice always

(that’s all the verse says! Only those two words!)

Psalms 30:11 – You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness.

Psalms 30:5- For His anger is but for a moment,
His favour is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning.

Psalms 16:11 – You will show me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Isaiah 61:3 – “To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”

As I began dealing, I knew I was not battling against flesh and blood but against powers, mights and dominions that are contrary to God. It was a choice to allow the Lord to ‘put off my sackcloth and cloth me with gladness’. I had to put on the ‘garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness’. To praise God even when I did not feel like it cause praising and worshipping God is a weapon against the evil one. It would not seem in the natural realm to work but it so does! If you do not take my word, trust in His Word. So when you walk out the door everyday, begin by praising and worshipping Him for all that He is and then choosing to put on joy. Again, you make the choice to put on joy and He will do the work. The time it takes for you to know that true joy will be based on your obedience (from the heart) to His voice as He works with you.

Be blessed and be a blessing x

3 major lessons in 3 weeks

Its been nearly a month since my last blog. So much has happened….from the dealings of God with the inner workings of my heart to the realisation of my complacency in my walk with God to my first attempt (with a gorgeous girlfriend of mine) to introduce a stranger to Jesus in the middle of a busy coffee shop. Its been exciting -- even in the painful corrections that I have been going through. Mainly due to my stubbornness. Looks like I am not the only one having a lot happening. My country just celebrated her 56th Independence day. I dare to say that we are a long (long, long, long) way from the Malaysia I dream it could be. But I believe that if the church rises up, we can be that sheep nation that the Lord has purposed us to be. Also pretty significant that on our Independence Day we had a water cut in our capital city….don’t you think? Anyways, also in the last week, Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke caused quite a  stir in the media. How easy it is for us to judge huh? Honestly, I was so disturbed (mainly cause of the influence they would have on society esp teenagers)….at the same time my heart broke for both of them. Jarrid Wilson’s open letter to Miley Cyrus was a letter that I thought spoke the heart of God. If you have not read it, click on http://jarridwilson.com/an-open-letter-to-miley-cyrus/.

Lessons during the last 3 weeks:

1) Moving out of my comfort zone

The truth is….if we are not moving out of your comfort zone to tell people about the life giving power of the cross, we are selfish! I am guilty of it too. Yes I am a worship lead, play the keyboard, lead a youth group, am a teacher advisor for my school’s Christian fellowship and write a blog. But in all that I do, I give what is convenient for me. In some twisted way, I have been giving into the Kingdom of God with the subconscious thought that God must bless me now. Like He owes me. I feel ugly on the inside for feeling that way. This is the part that God has been working with me lately. When I realised just how selfish my motives were, God began to show me the hidden agendas as He searched my heart and brought my motives to light. But here is the thing, He is helping me deal with it bit by bit cause He knows how much I can take.

As He enables me to step out of my comfort zone, I also need to draw strength from Him to do what He wants me to do. Sometimes it requires me taking a step of faith and talking to my friends about just how amazing Jesus Christ is. I pray they do not ‘unfriend’ me. But it’s a chance I have to take cause I need to let them know about Jesus and His love.

2) Watch my tongue

Being quick to judge is something that happens naturally. Sometimes we do not realise we are doing it. But when we even think it, we have sinned. Why is God’s standards so high? Cause it all starts with what is in the heart that becomes a thought. The mouth speaks what is in our heart. It all starts from the heart to the mind. I have said some harsh things which cut so deep. It is cause I keep my feeling bottled up and it lashes out when I have had enough. Sounds scary and yes, it is. I need to continuously compare myself to the standards that God has set before me. Not so that people call me a good person. I will never reach perfection but I must continue to strive towards it. All of this is a process -- with Jesus as the leader and sustainer.

3) Start something…..see it to the end.

I notice how so many times I have an idea but I do not always see it to the end. Its not a good trait to have. I recently started a project with my youths called the ‘Love Project’ and my task is to see it to the end by the leading of the Holy Spirit. Therefore it must be based on prayer and the Word. I also need to realise I am human and only take on what I feel led to take on. Not take on everything and also learn to say 'no' when its too much.

I'm enjoying this walk with Jesus. Only He can make lessons interesting even when its uncomfortable. 

He is jealous for me

“He is jealous for me,

Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,

Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions

eclipsed by glory, and I realize just how beautiful You are

And how great Your affections are for me”

– lyrics to ‘How He Loves’ written by John Mark McMillian.

Did you know one of the names of God is ‘Jealous’?  Exodus 34:14 says “(for you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God)” (emphasized in Joshua 24:19, Psalms 79:5). For the longest time, I viewed being jealous as something that was bad/negative. In other words, if you are jealous, you had a problem. But there is jealousy that is justifiable. In Bill Gothard’s book, ‘Our Jealous God’, Gothard uses the example of a husband and wife. I’m paraphrasing it but I would suggest you read the book. He states that a wife who notices that her husband has a wandering eye (in other words, checks out other women) has the right to be jealous as he has vowed ‘forsaking all others’ he will cling to her and be devoted to her. How she reacts to that feeling may not be right but that feeling of jealousy is warranted. Gothard continued by saying that marriage is a ‘covenant relationship and in such a union there can be no tolerance of any competing affection….they both vowed before God that they would cherish each other and love each other with all their hearts’. She wants his eyes and whole heart therefore those vows that they made allows her to have the right to expect these things.

Just like the wife who watches the eyes of her husband, the Lord watches the eyes of my heart. When my heart brightens up more for someone or something other than Him, His Spirit grieves. His Spirit yearns jealously (James 4:5). The truth is…..my Creator, the one who created this whole world and everything in it, is jealous for me!! To cause Him to grieve….I don’t understand how I….I who have nothing…..could grieve a God who has everything. He does not force me to obey Him even though He has the power to. He did something else…..He sent His Only Son to die for me to prove His love. A God that has everything….sent His Son to be a mere man just so that I would be saved. He does not need me, He wants me! This Jealous God is all about enabling me to experience Him in my everyday walk, to grow in Him and excelling in my endeavors through His mighty power. People have this warped sense that God wants them to lead boring lives….but godly lives does not mean boring. It just means you believe that a fun life is a life in sin? A godly life means a life that knows we live by grace cause we are with sin but strives towards a life without sin. Just like Paul mentioned in Phil 3:12-14, Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do,forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

My Lord pursues me. I think that’s amazing. Now that I have tasted Him. Taken a drink from His well spring of life….my desire is to know and be faithful to Him. I falter many times but I know He does not let me go. There is nothing in life that I regret cause it has all brought me closer to Him. My prayer everyday is that I love the Lord my God with all of my heart, with all of my soul, with all of my mind and with all of my strength (Mark 12:30). Through that I know that I will always seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all other things will be added unto me (Matt 6:33).

Loved by Him xoxo